January 16, 2022

Beyond Going Long

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Interview educator Marek Hermann: “Parents’ crisis has been going on for 150 years, it started with going to the factories.”

Marek Hermann.

Photo: Archive

Lecturer Marek Hermann will attempt to answer the question, and will not only present his knowledge of his practice in an online lecture on Thursday, January 13th, but will also consider the historical context. Our portal is the media partner of the lecture, more information about it can be found at the end of the article.

Read the interview with Marek Hermann as a simple taste. His views often provoke relatively heated discussions. He claims, for example, that a child at an early age essentially belongs to the mother and that the role of the father comes with time. He also believed that young children should be entrusted to women after divorce or separation. Do you agree with his views or look differently at his father’s upbringing and role? Write to us in the comments below the article, thank you.

Why is it important today to talk about the role of the father?
Without a good father, a healthy family cannot work for you. It just doesn’t work. A good father can protect and strengthen your family to protect you from the outside world. We refer to the twentieth century as the century of parental failure, and this failure unfortunately continues to this day. The good guys are either completely absent or very few. I mean this healthy masculine strength and power. The man as a symbol of justice and support. The family primarily needs a reliable man whose words pay off, who is not afraid of obligations and responsibilities. Someone who does not exercise embarrassing power over his wife and does not act like a stupid cat.

Until recently, there was more or less talk about the mother – how important this is in the life of the child and what her role is. However, today the image of the mother is changing, because the position of women in society is changing. How does this change the dynamics with regard to fathers or men?
Women have done a tremendous amount of work over the past 150 years. She worked incredibly hard on herself, especially on her masculine side. The time she’d been waiting in her comfort at the stove for her husband’s return from work is gone for good. Women go to work, earn money, they are doctors, lawyers, managers, graphic designers. They run those endless daily marathons, and I don’t understand how, but they succeed. They are very demanding and difficult, but successful and successful. And so they naturally start demanding their husbands too. But we don’t understand and we don’t catch up. It’s like we’ve been stuck somewhere 150 years ago, and like that time, we ask what’s going to happen tonight. And where are my socks? This is funny, after all.

It is said that the mother is the most important in the first months of a child’s life. Parents sometimes fail to find their place at this point in their children’s lives, and many of them withdraw completely. How do you think it should be?
In the first two or three years, the baby mainly needs the mother. Smell, tenderness, touch, manipulate views. The child is born from the mother’s body, this relationship is innate, they naturally belong to each other, they can do it. The baby grew under the mother’s heart for nine months. On the other hand, the relationship of the father to the child is acquired, which means that there will be a number of unknowns and risks. Father and child must learn about the relationship first. In the first three years the most important thing is for a man to be a reliable source of support for his mother. So you can literally lean on it. So she can really count on him. And not having to take care of him like another independent baby. The father comes to the scene later, often with the first performances of the child. And also at the moment when he needs guidance, or, in the best sense of the word, an experience of rules, order, and limits. And also when he needs to block something and understand that he will never get everything in life. The father weighs the boy, checks him and strengthens him. And the child is waiting for it. She is waiting for this because she needs the strength from her father so that she can one day survive in a world outside the family. Even worse, the father becomes the second mother, and instead of strengthening and weighing the child, she pampers him. This, of course, will make it huge.

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How has the role of the father changed over time, and how, for example, has the forty years of lack of freedom that we have lived here have affected the shape of our family today?
The biggest changes have occurred in the last 150 years. The father was once the head of the family, and its center, often strict and unavailable, decides everything. It was an absolute authority without a doubt. Ninety percent of our ancestors lived as farmers 150 years ago, which means we’ve been together from sunrise to sunset. When someone looked at his father as a child, he knew exactly what he would do when he was old. The Industrial Revolution destroyed all of this. The father went to the factory and disappeared from the sight of his children. Style gone. The power is gone. protection away. Then the First World War, which we call the technology of massacres – the male mind is not for protection, but for mass murder.

This was another blow to his father’s wise and powerful authority. Then came the global economic crisis: the father is on his knees, failing to be a breadwinner. And World War II, a final showdown with a father: men on the front lines are being murdered and raped as meaningless, it’s a complete disaster. The concentration camps of Auschwitz, Treblinka, Dachau Rossum will be left to your senses. It is the rebellion of men (who kill souls) against women (those who provide and protect souls). Crazy time perverted. And as we continue: The 1950s is a period of political terror and gathering in our country, and women are seen primarily as a tool of labor. The communists invented nurseries and nurseries, and dealt another blow to the family. Then the period of normalization, when families were routinely cheated and cheated, parents taught us to turn our backs. Then money and predatory capitalism penetrated the doors of our homes. Dad makes money so we can enjoy ourselves. The old god is definitely dead and we have a new god, money. Today we turn everything into money. We love them! All of this, of course, had an impact on families, parents and children. We simply haven’t had much success in the last 150 years.

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Let’s go back to the present. What are the biggest pitfalls or mistakes that men-dads make?
I have two biggest mistakes. The first is when the father becomes the second mother. Ten times a day, he assures a child that he loves her and is here exclusively for her. She is afraid to ask her anything. She is afraid to block anything. Or even the matter, God forbid. At the same time, this child is exactly what a father would do. She needs to be strengthened and groomed by her father to make a name for herself in the outside world. The child expects his father to demand strict rules and discipline. Because that’s what gives him a lot of security and a sense of security. But in many families the father is a weak and insecure father, so the child sits on the throne. Then he argues forever, resists, doesn’t listen, he’s rude, aggressive, you tell him everything five times and you still disobey.

The second mistake is when a father tries to be better than his mother. These are the silent battles over who would be the best parent. But this causes a huge problem at home. A father falls in love with his daughter and makes her his princess. Or he and his son will form an alliance against his mother. Then they beat my mother together, because she does not enjoy it, because she still wants something … But they still play the terrible game of hockey for their children. Mom and Dad don’t have to compete, they have to make a strong couple.

What are the inspiring examples of how a father can positively influence his children and his family in general?
When there is a good father in the family, the place is opened so that the mother can create well-being in the house. A father strengthens not only his children, but also his partner. He literally fuels it with his credibility and strength. By being able to provide families with resources and the ability to protect them from outside influences. Then everyone feels safe at home. With the arrival of my father, the good mood returns home. It’s fun with him. He can make things easier, looking at it from a perspective. We need a father so that children can experience balance. It is he who balances and completes his mother, by his power to put an end, by the power to stop that which he will not allow. For example, she protects his wife who sacrifices herself from lack of exercise, and from desertion because of her family. Therefore, she will not allow her to be a maid of children. It will not be serviced. With difficulty a father opens the door for his sons to independence in life and success in the world around them. That’s why kids love when they can do something with their dad. When my father appreciates us, he praises us when we love something about us, we grow up to heaven. Because the father affirms, the father gives value. That’s what my dad said, so it must be true. The experiences with my father are tied to performance and our efforts, they are incredibly profound and shape us for life.

But that’s not all, a man respects a woman and shows her respect. The team indirectly builds his daughter’s self-esteem. By treating her mother, her daughter learns what to ask of her partner. Absolutely irreplaceable in this. Of course he teaches his son how to deal with women, and teaches him to be a knight who helps and protects.

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Another very important thing is that the father accompanies the girl and the boy in one of the most difficult periods of our lives – a rite of transition, so when the girl becomes a woman and the boy is a man. This is another space where the father is irreplaceable, the father as a guide is a very important task. Thanks to my father, we will cross the so-called daily hero at about the age of twenty, which means: I can take care of myself now, but I have not given up on my dreams. You can see how important a father is, especially in families where the father is missing. They weaken, the child works less, and the family lacks self-confidence because they do not feel basic normal support and strength. Every family needs a father and a mother to make a strong couple. Then the whole family depends on it. Without a father, he has nothing to lean on.

We currently have several divorced couples. How should special parents, who are not usually entrusted with childcare, deal with this situation?
I tell fathers that if they love their children, they leave them to their mothers. Certainly by the eighth year but preferably by the twelfth year. I tell them: Don’t worry, your time will come. But there are horrible theaters and raucous vibes about it. Ex-partners often fight together and hell with each other. Then the child becomes an instrument of revenge. When I break up, I really lack basic honesty, which is the ability to take action and admit to the other that they did something and do a good job. Often bloody revenge during a divorce: it didn’t work out, it’s your fault, I’ll show you now! I’ve experienced great people, great people, successful people all of a sudden, like when you switch, they start acting like totally idiots and don’t stop until they ruin everything. They bark at each other like dogs, begin to hate each other, and get bitter. I’m sorry, I’m upset. To be honest, of course I must say that there are cases where a woman manipulates, cheats and deceives one’s joy. They take revenge on their ex-partner. However, I would argue that in eighty percent of cases it is better for the child to remain with his mother. This number may be higher. But to go back, there are two sentences: If you really love your children, leave them with your mother. And second: Fathers, do not worry, your time will come.

Ph.D. Marek Hermann, teacher and lecturer. He conducts popular seminars on self-development, self-knowledge and raising children, especially at preschool age. He graduated from the Faculty of Education of Masaryk University in Brno and worked as an external worker in the Recreology Department of the Faculty of Physical Education, Palacký University in Olomouc and also at the University of Economics in Prague. He is the author of Find Your Martian, which brings new insights and reflections from the field of psychology and interpersonal relationships. The book has become a bestseller among parents and educators and is described as an invitation to the child’s psyche.